"just horseplay!"

story: mattwallace
art: jeremy hughes

while josh tries to slot the keycard into the lock, matt startle-jumps him into the door -- HIS PERFECT HANDS ARE CRUSHED! MANGLED!


SCREAMING,  his eyes wild and hoggish, then SNORTing,  his jaws locked and boarish, josh torques his body to face matt. his legs were still facing the door! and josh one-hand grabs matt under his armpit and pitched him into the room over his body. 

pink balloon lettering formed the onomatopoeia "AIEIEEEEEEE!!" in the air following matt's thrown body.

<the audience applauses -- cheering, laughing> 

fat globs of sweat streak from josh's pores as he stomps into the hotel room that has become filled with a red, pounding mist. it oozed from the doorway and into the hall over my shoes.

matt's body contorts between the bed and the floor with a leg akimbo in the air and both arms pretzel-twisted somewhere near his torso.

the mist laps a gentle shore over matt's body; josh is PLEASED and I saw him rub his mangled hands together like a chunky preying mantis. 

<the audience hoots & catcalls>

using his red-headed stephen king powers, josh picks matt up using only his mind and the muscles in his arms and legs and back. "it's a choke slam! it's gonna i'm choke slammin' you NOW! NOW!?" and grasping matt's throat and underjaw he lifts him,  with some effort, and GRAVITY -SLAMS him forcibly onto the bed. 

<the audience sounds shocked! appalled!>

panting, with one eye larger than the other, josh towers over matt and rains down a steady beating of passive-aggressive "sorrys" and "i'msosorries!" with each blast blood spurts, matt's face is pulped burger -- I saw 30 gallons of blood ejaculated out of his mouth! it broke the hotel window!

<the audience awes> 

I thundered by josh and yell "what's the meaning of this!?this!?thisthisthisthis" and I can visibly see the words echo into their ears. 

shrugging matt and josh looked at me and responded, "it's just horseplay!" 

<the audience laughs and is pleased> 

...just "beyond belief," is what I thought. 


"just horseplay" | bourbon barrel-aged russian imperial stout | 10% abv